Log in

No account? Create an account
Scotte-15 years is almost here - Redhead Rantings [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Scotte-15 years is almost here [Nov. 5th, 2008|12:06 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]

15 years. Did you know that 15 years later, I would still miss you?

Six days from now it will be 15 years since the night I dropped you off after work, worried, asked if you wanted to talk about.

"No, I'm just tired." Nothing I can do to bring you back. The stupid braclet I gave you a few days before still on your wrist. Drop something in the casket and then walk away? Remember the awful country song played by your Mom and thinking about how you should sit up and declare that you hate country, but you couldn't. In my dreams you are still alive sometimes, but I forget most days. You are the one person I felt comfortable sitting on their lap and just laughing until my cheeks hurt.

If we didn't try to get you "help" would you have had 200 sleeping pills to do this? Would you have even tried it? How many deaths can we stack up towards bad medication? Wrong medication. Pharmacological medication changes have lead to suicide attempts for MOST of the people who it has impacted in my life. Why is no one responsible for it?

This video just struck me with how many people fall with one. The fall season is always when it happens here in Seattle. Please don't do it. The pain never goes away entirely for those who love you.

[User Picture]From: sinangelx
2008-11-05 09:17 pm (UTC)
i listen to this song almost daily. i have a select few actually, some that just remind me, help me cope, give hope, not to walk down that road also.

i'm sorry for your loss.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-05 09:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I love this song, but found the video especially touching.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tickly_girl
2008-11-05 09:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks for posting the awesome song. It made me curious about the band, and I went to itunes to check them out, and I ended up adding this and one other peice of theirs to my itunes library - Breakdown.

It probably says something that I can see that latter song being cathartic in the whole "getting over Sarah one of these $#%^&* days" thing....

Edited at 2008-11-05 09:37 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-05 09:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'll have to check out the other song. :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: vivaine666
2008-11-05 10:17 pm (UTC)
That's an awesome video. I am, of course, now crying (luckily I have no customers right now) because of how _unfair_ it is, that I only got 6 years to spend having fun with him and now I've been missing him for almost 15.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-05 10:27 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: pattinthehatt
2008-11-06 12:37 am (UTC)
Thank you for sharing that. It is incredibly painful, and I'm so sorry to know that you hurt like that.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-06 01:21 am (UTC)
Thank you. It's been so many years that usually I don't feel it. It's scary to know that he's been dead for nearly twice as long as I had him as a dear friend and he is still missed. I went to his grave once. He wasn't there. Nothing is. Even the "burning bush" we laughed about has been ripped out and landscaped over.

I have no idea what is wrong with me, but the empty rooms in my heart never get overwritten. They just get sealed off. I need to defragment my soul.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: anomalous_girl
2008-11-06 03:21 am (UTC)
Weird, in five days, it will be 15 years since my best friend's brother killed himself at age 16, she was only 19. She rarely ever talks about it, but it still hurts her a lot to this day. I wish he were here, I feel like her life would be so much better if he had lived, but at that point, she kind of gave up and never got her groove back.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-06 03:25 am (UTC)
Milestone anniversaries are hard. I'm sure she'd appreciate a card or call from you if you can fit it in. You are a good friend for remembering.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: feminista1
2008-11-06 12:21 pm (UTC)


It doesn't. It is so sad and the hurt never goes away for the loved ones left behind.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-06 04:40 pm (UTC)

Re: sniffle

You know, before he died I never thought much about gay rights. I knew he was gay, young, confused, and felt he didn't fit in anywhere, but he was so hilarious, huge, and silly. I miss him. I know we'd still be friends if he was here. He just built groups of people naturally like a magnet.

It wasn't the first time he tried at all. He told me he'd tried 3 other times that month and was scared. That's why we'd gotten him into therapy and on medication. Two weeks after starting anti-depressents he was dead. I can no longer summon up any blame, anger, or regret. I can't muster up anything but sadness and good memories combined forever in the wish that I had him here.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: specsafety
2008-11-06 01:37 pm (UTC)

I also had a dear friend end his life...

And he was a young, vibrant, creative soul. We played in a band together. Iknew something was up when he stopped anwering my calls,and next thing you know, he did it! I was angry and depressed at the same time. I have 2 friends now who, in the past, have threatened suicide---I handle them a bit differently than my other friends. Take Care Lanette,
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-06 04:41 pm (UTC)

Re: I also had a dear friend end his life...

Scotte was also a musician. He called me "tall black man" in German as my nickname because it made me giggle. He isn't the only friend I've lost to suicide, but he is the closest. Thank God that the two others who came close made it through and recovered and are still with me.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: the_new_perfect
2008-11-06 02:58 pm (UTC)
I'm really sorry you lost your friend that way.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: starrynytes4me
2008-11-06 04:42 pm (UTC)
None of us will live forever, but there is something more painful about the helplessness you feel when someone you love takes their own life. For me, it is harder to accept and the happy memories I have are more tainted with sadness.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: gonzy317
2008-11-06 05:38 pm (UTC)
I think its because you kind of feel a little bit responsible when someone chooses to take their own life. That maybe there was SOMETHING you could have done or said to make them change their mind. At least that's how I feel (I'm a guilt monger) for my 2 friends who did it. It's been 15 years for me, too. :(
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: dkstwin
2008-11-06 07:12 pm (UTC)
Death always hurts. Suicide, Gonzy mentioned feeling guilt. Just know you tried to get him help. When I had my attempt at suicide, I was completely dead inside, I just needed my body to follow suit. At that point I don't think there is anything anyone could have done except lock me up under suicide watch. I'm sorry your friend felt the need to take his life, and I'm sorry for the pain you still suffer. People who are suicidal feel alone, and it doesn't matter how many people who love them try to surround them, they can't feel that connection. I was always alone, even when in a crowd of loved ones. I don't know if it will help or not, but I look at my attempt as a failed euthanasia. Living just hurts so much, that you don't see another way out.

I just thought it might help to get a bit into the mind set of someone who kills themselves. My attempt wasn't a "cry for help" in fact, when I woke up three days later I was pissed that I couldn't even get killing myself right. I was a failure at everything. So, I've been where he was, if you want to talk, I'm here.
(Reply) (Thread)