||[Jan. 20th, 2008|10:49 am]
Yesterday I did very little, took a nap, and watched disk 1 of Season 1 Felicity with my sister. It's quite a trip down memory lane for me. I can vaguely remember being that emotional and sensitive. Being so painfully self-conscious and aware. Evaluating every little thing much more than I do now. Then it hit me. That is the huge difference between 23 and 33. I really really love being more comfortable in my own skin. Little things in life or about me aren't shameful like they were. I still care how other people are feeling, but it doesn't run my day. It isn't just aging, it's growing up inside. I remember how mature I thought I was in college. I could barely survive spending 2 days by myself. I felt alone any second I wasn't with someone else.|
Another thing I feel so differently about is love. Love isn't getting what you thought you couldn't get. It isn't capturing the "one that got away". It isn't chasing someone. It's the stupid little things that happen every day. It's the person who you tell "I will always be there" and you mean it and not just to get something in return or because you hope they feel that way about you. Love to me is as pure as seeing the commercial with the lady who is petting her cat while she is away and understanding that is what I feel like about my cat, and as filthy as being vastly entertained when Craig said that if I'm being loud in bed he considers it "applause" because he knows I'm always sincere. In my case, it's also the chance to finally really let go. To be happy for those people in my past who've found what they were looking for. I can think beyond what directly impacts me. I can let go of those bad feelings I used to have and remember a silly moment with nothing but joy. I can send out some good vibes without that stabbing feeling in the gut. If I were to hear of something sad happening in your life I'd just feel a bit of sadness for you rather than some bit of me gloating or feeling someone else got their just reward for having "wronged" me.
I got talking last night to someone I love very much about relationships, disappointments, and those things you just don't expect. I remember so many times in the past being crushed when reality didn't line up with my dearest wishes. I felt like everyone elses' dreams were coming true, but somehow I was singled out for rebuke of my wishes and it was everyone's fault. Those times you think your heart can never be the same, or never be healed you are wrong. Never underestimate the healing that a human heart can do. Instead, be afraid of what happens if you refuse to use it out of fear. You stagnate. You stop growing. I'm not saying that you can't have a perfectly happy and fulfilled life being single. I've never felt more emotionally stable than the times I stayed single. However, each heartache I've encountered has led me to better survival skills, an improved awareness of who I am, and ultimately a better way to communicate. It also has shown me that not everyone thinks like I do. I've long since been following the wrong rule, which is to treat people how I'd want to be treated. Not everyone wants to be treated the way I do.
Privacy? No thanks. Tell me all of the details because there is no TMI according to me. I want to KNOW who you are as a person. How you think. You are of interest to me. Other people want facts. They want to know just what pertains to them. They think my stories and confessions and attempts to know them on a deeper level are a bore.
I seek people who I have enough in common with to share on a deeper level. If that isn't you, you can be a surface friend. You know? I wear those who get me close to me like a coat of comfort. Anyone who I can't connect with in that way is like a handbag. Useful if we can mutually be beneficial, but tiring for me to carry, so I may set them down, they may set me down. They are much easier to be snatched away or forgotten. I've been working all year very hard on appreciating people who I don't mesh with exactly. Rather than thinking of them as the annoying thing in life I have to tolerate, I try hard to think of how we can co-exist and even if I annoy them, at least I appreciate what they have to offer. I can't make other people mature, but I can improve my own maturity. It has already started to happen.
This is a long rambling blog. I hope in 10 years I'm still writing blogs like this. No matter how much I mature, I'm still an introspective person who writes in a way that resembles prose. I'm just fine with the people who don't enjoy that. Go read something else. There are plenty of well organized encyclopedias, and power point presentations for you.
This is written for me. That is not true of everything I blog. Often I blog to keep in touch with friends and family, or for a record I can go back and check. This sort of blog is for me alone. It's working it's magic as I type it. You may learn by reading. I learn outloud, while talking and writing. I live outloud. It may be noisy, but at least you know I'm alive.
What a beautiful post. Wonderful, gorgeous.
I've always thought The Powers That Be should officially change the Golden Rule to "Treat others as *they* wish to be treated".
Thank you! I love writing one of these "just for me" blogs every now and then.
2008-01-21 06:24 pm (UTC)
Well written, sweet, and an awfully nice distraction. :)
Are we getting together tonight?
Thank you! Yes! Let's hang out tonight. One warning: I'm in heels and having a sorta bad pain day, so let's not do lots of walking.
2008-01-21 08:57 pm (UTC)